Haven’t been doing all too great lately.
ED’s back.
While I’m still doing all I can to keep him at bay, I won’t deny that he’s always in a corner, ready to pounce whenever I’m not watchful. I mean, in a blink of a second numbers would come flying into my head and the next thing I knew I would put down my bread (meant for dinner) and fight with him. Usually (and fortunately), though, I would win…albeit barely sometimes. By then, it would have been way past meal times.
I went insane today and had McD’s for lunch (screw McValue lunch!). Usually, though, I will only feel bloated when I refill my coke (har har, greedy). I mean – that has always been the case. But for the first time today in years, I felt bloated barely halfway through my meal. By the time I finished – I was near puking (literally).
Hey, it had never happened before. What’s going on? Is it my body? Or my mind? Or…both?
To make things worse, I’ve been obsessed with ED movies. Blame the exams. One thing good though – they made me reflect on my own journey. I didn’t simply wake up one day and think that I’m only going to have a packet of cereal for dinner, or to skip breakfast. No, it didn’t start so abruptly.
In fact, it started with cutting down on carbs and fried food. Then no rice (while the meat and vege stayed the same). Then toasted bread instead of white bread. Then vege-without-oil-and-salt meals. Then two long weeks of detox with laxatives. Then lemons the first thing after waking up.
Want to know how I lost 20kgs in 6 months? There.
Of course, my dietry programme didn’t stop at 6 months. In fact, it went on for about 10…but in between my menses went off and the pills made me gain weight. When that happened, I decided to “let loose”. I would sneak out of classes to eat, steal my snacks into my room (like a thief), and hide wrappers.
Came to KL, I gave up on “eating healthy”. Instead, I ate what I want but in lesser amounts. That meant skipping breakfast and eventually, dinner. Again, it was gradual. It started with light dinner, then (purposefully) lighter breakfasts. Then skipping breakfasts altogether. By the time I found out that I was ‘sick’ (with ED), I was just short of skipping dinner too. Then I started counting calories, attempted to purge…
Oh ED.
And yet, I was never anywhere near underweight. I was never anywhere near the “perfect anorexic”. As screwed up as it sounds – I hate myself for being a “failure”. I felt that I lacked willpower. Maybe I really do lack the willpower. I kept telling myself that because of this, I won’t suffer the consequence. I don’t have an eating disorder. I don’t even have disordered eating. Oh the voice of Mr. Ed…it’s so deceiving.
In fact, as I’m writing this…I had the impulse of buying a bag of lemons and have nothing but lemonade for the rest of the week. Thankfully it’s dark now. I measure my wrist with my watch strap. It dropped by a notch within one month of coming back for this semester, but hasn’t dropped more than that since.
Oh yes, this post is disturbing. But I’m not giving up yet. The battle is far from over. ED is still pretty much a Goliath in my life. Oh yeah, one thing I hate about eating at fast food restaurants especially is that I feel like everybody’s watching how much I eat. Sounds familiar? Of course.
Mum (Yes, my mum) asks me how am I going to survive in Singapore for 9 days if I don’t start eating properly, especially when it’s Christmas and food is never an issue in my Uncle’s house. Oh yes, there is an issue – there’s always too much. You see, my uncle and aunt loves food. They have a special fridge just to store junk food. They eat at exquisite restaurants most of the time. Food is always an over-supply. Plus, it’s Christmas so there will be Christmas cakes and turkeys.
0.o
This is like being in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend whom you just won’t let go.
