I’ve been trying really hard to keep Ed locked in the closet, out of my sight. I figured that as long as I don’t see him around, then he won’t disturb me. If you think that it’s difficult to believe that Ed was part of my life when I was undergoing the strenuous exercise and diet regimes 6 years ago, it’s even more difficult to believe it now. Especially during the holidays, oh boy, Ed and I fought like crazy. I adore food, but Ed would always make sure that he steals a huge chunk of that joy away from me.
I understand that it’s so difficult to believe that I struggle with Ed. Even though Mum knows about it, she still finds it hard to believe it…because I eat so well at home – in fact, a little more than she had wished. I won’t say that I binged like I used to in my first year, but I definitely munched on more food that I’m comfortable with. I no longer avoid social relationships as much anymore. I still eat “normally” among friends. In public, I fought against self-consciousness and shame and ate my food (trust me, it’s not easy). In my own room, I ate as little as I liked.
I wasn’t thin enough to be anorexic (and trust me, if there’s anything more frustrating than Ed, it’s this). I didn’t binge and purge enough to be bulimic. In other words, Ed says that I wasn’t special enough. Perhaps, I’m not special at all. It meant that I’m not working hard enough. That I don’t “fit” – not among “normal” eaters, neither among “eating disordered” people.
I felt that no one would believe in my struggle. In fact, I often questioned myself. I felt like a liar. And of course, the whole cycle of self-loathe never ends.
I’m often confused. On one hand, I’ve come so far I know it. On the other hand, Ed is still pretty much a thorn in the flesh. I’m so tempted to push Ed away to keep that image of being “totally recovered” from my psychological struggles. I mean, DrR knows how far I’ve come (oh yes she also knows about ed – even much earlier than I knew). My leaders in church know it. Even a clinical psychologist (PhD) whom I first met before I came to KL – when I was still very much in the dumps, he was so surprised to see how I “radiated” last October…he said that he didn’t know how to handle me! Professionals have “marvelled” at my resilience.
So how can I say that Ed is still pretty much a pest? That my health is at stake thanks to him? That my battles are far from over?
Yes, I’m fighting against Ed’s biggest weapon – deception.
