Thank you, Rachel

This morning I came across a new article that you’ve written in Yushu’s facebook. You wrote about a little girl that you’ve come to adore – struck with cerebral palsy, is deaf and dumb, dirty; and yet had the most adorable and innocent smile. You had spoken fondly of her before, because I believed that you were struck with her strength and determination to live.

Today, you wrote about how devastated you were when you learned that she had died suddenly, without saying goodbye. You wrote that you had cried, and you were angry with God. You showed the human side of you – that even a professional psychologist can have emotions like everyone else do. You wrote with such emotions, that it made me tear too.

I remembered the time when you were told that I had wanted to take my own life. You were so concerned and worried, but I can never imagine how you would have really felt then. When you told me that the decision is in my own hands, I could sense the sadness in your voice – an unmistaken grief. I could also recognize the plea that I will hang on. You have done all you could, and you had trusted me to do mine.

I remembered our final session; how before parting – you wrapped your arms around me and I swore it was the best hug that I had ever received. You then looked into my eyes, and said… “You take care, alright? See you around!” There was such love, such warmth…that I really did not want to let go. Whenever I feel down, I remembered that hug…and realized how much I missed it.

Rachel, you’ve brought so much meaning to my life. You’ve helped me to see life as it really is. You made me realize that there is hope. You’ve left a footprint in my life that can never be replaced. I used to not understand why would you stand by me so tirelessly, and without complain. You refused to give up on me. You refused to let me go until you’re sure that your continued presence will not do me good. You said that you’re just like a paper, that I can use you until I don’t need you anymore…and then leave.

I asked God for an angel to rescue me. I never thought that it would be you.

Your selfless acts – both for me and to those suffering in Yushu…have earned my utmost respect. You had asked for nothing in return; knowing that we can never ever pay you for what you’ve done for us. You always had God in mind.

Thank you for letting our paths cross. Thank you for being obedient. Thank you for giving me a new lease of life.

contented, but not stagnant

I was talking with one of my leaders the other day, and she was sharing with me about how she is so discontented with the progress of her ministry because she knows that more could be done. Now, this is really something that I will not claim to understand, because I’ve not really been in a ministerial position before.

But talk about dissatisfaction – I know how it feels like. Throughout recovery, I was never contented with my progress. I could only see what is going on wrong, and Rachel would always have to balance it by continually pointing out what is going right. I had never felt that I’ve done enough, progressed enough, or made Rachel’s efforts count enough. But then the more I’m discontented, the more I fail to progress.

lunch: few pieces of lamb. Breakfast, btw was a cup of nescafe + 2 pcs of bread with choc spread. I also finished the remaining half of the oreos =/

The last few months I’ve learned to be contented with what I have and where I am without being stagnant. Some people say that contentment breeds stagnation, which I beg to differ. In fact, I think it breeds gratefulness. You see, in life, we’ll never stop growing. We can never stop learning, and I will never stop progressing. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as well as Carl Roger’s theory we learn about self-actualization. However, even these theorists will agree that in reality, human beings never reach that stage. There’s always something more to learn or do, always a mountain higher to climb. The problem is, can we wait until we’ve self-actualized before we pat ourselves on the back?

Trust me, it’s not easy.

Coming from a background of perfectionism and anything less is a failure – I struggled really hard to assure myself that I’m fine just the way I am. It was hard to realize that I can still love myself despite being imperfect. I couldn’t understand how I could be contented and still keep on growing. To the human mind, it doesn’t add up. But trust me – that was when real growth begins.

dinner: awesome steak pie with double mashed potatoes. *Burp*

When you take off those high expectations off your shoulders, you give yourself space. It’s not true that contentment and the “absence” of expectations cause failure. In fact, I think that it just takes off the limits that you’ve placed yourself under. You can channel the energy that you’ve used to plummet yourself for the apparent lack of progress, to progress even more. No one works well under constant pressure – it’s self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’ve heard Joyce Meyer preach on tv for years (like 12 years), and have heard this quote numerous times. Finally, it made sense,

I’m not where I’m supposed to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m okay, and I’m on my way.”

p/s: Thanks to the recent outburst, my eating habits have gone kaput again. Last night I had attempted to eat just a few slices of pork. I managed to escape the dinner provided in church, but then when my cell went to mamak for supper – I lost it. I had a piece of roti canai. Today, I dragged lunch till about 230 pm. Haha, blame Mr. Control.

I try not to relive the dream and trauma. I’m afraid that I’m really worried that I’m showing signs of PTSD. Besides the nightmare, insomnia, and depression – I also experience shortness of breath and mild hyperventilations when I think about it. I would lie on my bed crying and trying to sleep, but was difficult to do so because I had problems catching my breath. Oh boy…I must have been dead terrified.

You know what – the irony is that another thing that I thought I won’t develop, besides ED, is PTSD. I mean, it’s for those who’ve been so traumatized I thought it will never have been me. God is such a joker.

An outing with Ps Karen

I had lunch with my college zone pastor, Ps Karen. Haven’t had a proper chat for ages…and the two hours was glorious. We had lunch at this Hongkee restaurant and since PsKaren is a small eater as well, we shared a hor fun and a plate of french toast.

Oh boy, the fellowship was glorious.

I couldn’t wait to share with her how I had seen the hand of God over my life. All this while, all she (and other leaders) have heard were what is going wrong. Sometimes, I stay in that position because talking about what’s wrong is more familiar than sharing about what’s going right. But I know that things have just got to change. I mean, I just cannot deny that I have seen the hand of God. It wasn’t that I was making anything up 😀

She was so encouraged, that she’s contemplating on introducing several people under her care to see Rachel (because she saw Rachel’s “handiwork” in me, and plus she’s a born-again Christian). Haha. And she had also encouraged me to get involved in GT’s counseling arms – Healing Rooms and/or LifeCare. That’s what I’ve always been wanting to do. I do think that it’s time to give back. I don’t have to wait till I’m “fully recovered” before investing into the lives of other people. Yeah, challenging my polarized thinking definitely.

I shared with her about “supplying” hope to those who are hurting.

You see, we all know that hope is the fuel in recovery. It is so important, because without hope there is no recovery. However, to many people who are hurting including myself, hope is (or for me, was) an oxymoron. I couldn’t envision that there can possibly be hope.

And so in order to recover, Rachel had to supply me with hope. It’s like after getting involved in a freak accident, the client needs a ventilator to assist in breathing. That is the role of a therapist/helper/leader. I had no hope, but she has and so I took it from her. Through the months of letting me see what is going on right, and letting me know that I do have the resources to recover, and that I AM getting somewhere – I slowly found hope for myself.

Soon, I have enough hope for myself. I can breathe on my own. Rachel is no longer my ventilator, but my wheelchair. And then my crutch. And finally, when she finally could see that I can walk on my own and no longer need the crutches (her), she let me go. I couldn’t believe that I could be on my own, but Rachel obviously knew me much better than I know myself. That is a characteristic of a competent therapist.

But had she not gave me hope, I would not have been where I am today. Too many helpers try to “encourage” by saying things like “Why are you still stuck in the rut? Get moving!” thinking that it will help. But instead, it makes things worse. Instead, it is helpful when you empathize with what the other person is going through, and at the same time point out what is going on right. Let them know that you will never give up on them. When someone knows that you truly care and will not give up, that may be a breakthrough. Indeed, had Rachel stopped giving me hope because I took three times the amount of time (literally), I would not have survived.

Anyway, yeah we did had an awesome time. Even did some (window) shopping after that. Hehe. Ps Karen’s awesome =)

This semester has been awesome in that I’ve made tonnes of new friends on my own. Yes the hectic IO assignment aside, I’m glad that I did venture out on my own. First, i took a Mass Comm elective and made some awesome friends from that department. Then, this week I helped out in the Yushu fund-raising, and made more friends.

I won’t lie and say that I was comfortable all along. I was still hostile initially (sowwwwweeeeee Aby!) and struggled to blend in. But I’m glad I made it, and I’m glad that my friends didn’t give up on me. The last few days have been actually awesome. It feels sooo good to know that I’m finally coming out of my shell and doing something for others.

However, I must say that I had really struggled with my food. I didn’t restrict, but went the other way round. I ate more than (I think) I should have, each time telling myself that it would be the “last time”. Like when we were selling food…how can you resist food when it’s right in front of you? Plus, I’ve been craving for bubble tea since ages!! Gosh, I so hated myself.

The last day, I had another bubble tea in the afternoon and after counting the money at Rachel’s office in the evening, we grabbed a few leftover puddings. Oh God…that was the last straw. I was so, so bloated that I had actually skipped dinner and breakfast the next day.

Is this the price that I have to pay for keeping my emotions surrounding the dream – suppressed?

No!

“Jasmine, it’s okay to throw questions at God – even angry ones!” – DrR.

I’ve always been fearful of offending people. A lot of my problems came with saying “no”, and there was this constant need to not step on another’s toes – even if it means silencing my own needs/wants. Whenever there was an interpersonal conflict, it would always be my fault to a certain extent. There was always something that I could have done to minimize or even cancel its impact.

One of the things that DrR had taught me (or at least tried to demonstrate) in therapy, was to set my own boundaries and what it meant by saying ‘no’. She assured me that it’s okay to say no even to her, and to stand on my grounds. She showed me that I can tell her what I need/want from therapy, and I don’t always need to justify it. And ironically, she sometimes teach me about boundaries by drawing her own boundaries with me. By saying “no” to me about certain things (especially after termination), and yet providing me with enough support and showing me that “no” doesn’t mean rejection (or that she’s offended/angry with me) – I’ve learned so much. Sometimes, I was afraid that by saying “no”, she was mad at me. But I’ve always been wrong. In fact, there was a recent incident when she was really firm with her boundaries…but when I apologized for my mistake, I realized that she wasn’t angry with me.

She just knew how to say “no”. And she had always reminded me to “be careful in not setting yourself up for feeling rejected by me” when she reaffirms her boundaries. She’d taught me self-respect.

Yes, I don’t always have to be a people pleaser. I don’t always have to say “yes”. I can say “no”, offend people (in a good way), but make myself happy. Not every conflict will be my fault.

Oh, I long for the day when this becomes reality.